i think i just was awoken by the sound of my roommate choking on her boyfriend's dick
I wish there was a facebook app that filtered my notifications to show only the ones having to do with people who'll fuck me.
i swear i just saw perry the platypus. the fuck dude. i shouldnt even know who that is
Thats how high i was. The fact that he looked like Seth Rogan was apparently a good thing.
I need a hobby that doesnt involve alcohol and my tv
Excused from finishing the term project because my lab partner got arrested. For the second year in a row. Public school, I love you.
She just told me she blew the waiter in the bathroom. Should I still leave a tip?
We are going to get clementines. And shoot them out of a ballon launcher. That's after we come up to the ivy with a bullhorn and reck havoc. Where are you.
I'm going to try to be reasonable tonight and keep my drink count out of double digits
Shooting a bottle rocket from my penis was entirely justified. Twenty bucks is twenty buck no matter how you look at it
It's the kinda thing that makes you wanna buy a rainbow flag and fight republicans and kiss girls
Is a coke binge Whole30 approved?
im on a boat
How did you get this number?
Her hot older sister walked in on us, looked me up and down, then stared straight at her and said "I call sloppy seconds on this one" then left. I'm still debating on how I feel about that.
"They won't do it. I'm in the middle of darkness. " and "Probably going to die. I've been walking for 50 minutes in one direction" are the last texts I got from Steve
Randomize
