Did you push me into the oil wrestling or did I elect to do it?
You said you wanted to do it, but I gave you a friendly nudge.
I don't care what anyone says I want strippers at my funeral.
I've never played a more sexually-tense game of Uno in my life.
Everyone makes mistakes, yours just means you will forever be known as the chick that tried to steal a cheese plate from the funeral.
why didn't you tell me his penis tasted like oreos?
I can't even look at my running shoes. I swear I drank more in the last 2 days than the last 6 months combined
The trees feel like magic. Come fly to taco bell with me.
The problem with that is that my car has been stolen
i woke up and found a picture of his grandma in my purse.. im a kelpto
Lmfao I'm not trying to have a pissing contest over acid with my mom.....
That girl definitely just ate a hot dog and stared straight in to my eyes.
I just said "I love my cat" as a hobby.
God is tempting me with everything tonight. Brownies and dick, mostly.
I'll give you a blowjob in a Santa hat if it will put you in the Christmas spirit
I feel like I may be the only person who can say they crutched their walk of shame. past the secret service.
Randomize
