do you know why i have a volvo grill taped to the back of my car?
so what if he's got a new girlfriend. the guy i'm fucking has an english accent. i win.
A freshman just referred to Home Improvement as 'tim the tool man show'. People born after 1990 are not people.
I had a moment while I was smoking where I was looking at these palm trees and I knew how dr Seuss came up with his characters.
After you bought Jesus' name tag off him at the Mexican restaurant you commenced to stumbling around the lobby showing anybody who would listen what would Jesus do.
Stop giving me tequila.
Talked to Nate, told him he was a douche. Will give details when sober. It's ok. You're my best friend together a wolf pack. Olive juice.
He told me he doesn't want to fuck anymore because he needs to focus on school. Either he grew a vagina or he's secretly gay, it has to be one of the two.
If you are breathing, I want you at your house. No non-breathing-related excuses.
Do you still speak french? one of two girls I woke up with only speaks french...
If I got everything I wanted in the world, I would have been forcing soup down your throat hours ago
You wrote me a check. For zero dollars. For my soul. Dick.
I cannot lay down. I will throw up my life and your life and the class hamster I had in third grade.
If I die on my walk home, please come claim the body. There is $30 in my left shoe for you....for pizza
Blame the bisexuality and move on?
Got so drunk I broke my sink in half. Not. Lying.
Randomize
