im at a party in sweatpants, slippers, and a basketball jersey from the eighth grade, 10 bucks says im still getting laid
how in the hell can u get pulled over when ur car is parked.
i've never smoked before...when you said wake and bake i thought you meant like a funeral bbq or something
I would do laundry with you but I vaguely remember swallowing all my quarters last night as some kind of trick.
Does making ice cubes at 4 in the morning count as being productive?
What sexual position says im sorry for your loss?
I should have been on a postcard. I was sitting in the middle of the forest with a plate full of pot brownies and missing you.
Damn you and your marathon penis with its superhuman capabilities
A duck just looked me in the eye whilst I peed in a lake. I feel so dirty.
There is a video recording of my birth. I have seen it. It is terrifying.
I had the bathroom of girls sing you happy birthday while you puked. I couldn't stop laughing. They were all so supportive
Who brings a stripper home to ninja turtle bed sheets
Me and I got head
We talked about breaking up, had sex, and in the middle of said sex, talked more about breaking up- best sad day ever
I don’t have the time, patience, or blood alcohol level to deal with her.
Just so you know, I choose to answer your bootytext tonight because it was the most creative.
Randomize
