I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
I called her the wrong name twice and she still called me back this morning. DO I still wait two days to call her back?
Remember that dream I told you about where I shit out my own skeleton? I had it again last night.
You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
Apparently, banging my bartender ex-girlfriend = free drinks again. Not every bad decision is a wrong decision.
Forgot to mention there might be a picture of me being thrown in the air while at a Mexican restaurant
I'm just sayin' man be careful, that chick has castration written all over her.
He gave up on mugging us when Dave wouldn't stop laughing. He was wiggling his finger at the knife and making baby noises and giggling. The guy just walked away.
Rehydrating your liver back to life is never a good idea.
God only knows how I ended up there doing crown royal shots to the titanic and insighting a bar wide shit fest when I asked the dj to play levels
This would be a good time to bring up the fact that my spider-man fork is MIA
There's cereal in my underwear. Was I in your apartment at any time last night? That's the only logical explanation for this.
Check 'smoke weed with our ihop waiter' off of our To-Do List
Well, I woke up on a roll-away, with a knot in the back of my head and penis confetti stuck to me. Also, I apparently literally gave the shirt off my back right before I passed out, so I was topless. Vegas won this trip.
Like I'm not tryna become president or marry a doctor or some shit here, like one level above garbage is all I'm asking for
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