i'm waiting for the less fat version of him to text me
At the miami airport. Don't know if it's all the tequila I drank in cozumel or the 5 year olds french accent but I might puke.
I'm not trying to go crazy tonight either. I just want to go out, have a few drinks, meet up with my ex-boyfriend and get fingered or something.
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
Once again I am on the toilet and refuse to get up
What a great time to reflect on life
he's dressing as a chick for halloween. of course i'm gonna make him get his legs professionally waxed. how is this even a question?
If I had 3 wishes one would for sure be a designated driver for life that gives hand jobs.
the only thing I remember was some guy took out his fake eye to use it for beer pong
I'm just the girl with the breathalyzer keychain, and I embrace that.
The only thing about him that I appreciated was that he destroyed the bathroom at your birthday and missed singing to you. And we all knew.
After an orgasm, I always feel the urge to sing A Whole New World from the move Aladdin and I'm not quite sure why.
So just spent 30 minutes of my life talking to my cousins friend who told me she buys cocaine from a pizza place by asking for extra Parmesan
Haha word. Sure I can do that. Help me find which bar has my pants and you'll get free tacos all week
You aaa... you ever forget to wipe your ass?
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
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