I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
Sign #1 this conference will suck: Ice breaker question, how many proud virgins do we have in the room, overwhelming response. Looks like I'm not getting laid this weekend.
He's a collector of sorts
Any cool stuff?
You should see the collection of booggers in the carpet next to his desk
Turning 21 on Saint Patty's day. I like to think this is what my alcoholic ancestors have prepared me for
You drunk dialed me talking about the stages of mitosis. There is no way you didn't ace your bio final
Don't try to dry clothes in the microwave. They'll catch on fire.
I'm sober in pajamas at a bar. Nothing is ok about that statement.
I have discovered that there is nothing that a giant penis attached to a southern accent can't talk me into. yee-haw!
You called me at 4am shouting drunk shit about Poland and asking me to 'come out and play.' Where the fuck were you?
Poland
My liver is crying. And I feel like I got fingered by Edward Scissorhands. While he was wearing brass knuckles
But the sex is so much better when he already has a girlfriend
Tequila ran out around 11 so she let them do body shots of chips and guacamole instead
We single women of America need to make America great again by refusing to fuck anyone who supports Trump.
He's a douche. But I like the way he chokes me.
i don't care if you are my best friend. does not give you the right to describe how well my sister gives blowjobs.
how about your cousin?
Randomize
