I'm gonna have bed sores at the end of this hangover.
The dog threw up again, this time IN the toilet. I've taught him well.
If we worried less about pouring champagne down stripper crack, we probably wouldn't skip so many meals.
I just woke up and my mouth tastes like I licked the bathroom floor in the last ghetto bar we were in. I'm going to get my mouth checked for chlamydia. Do I see a dentist for that?
If I wake up with an unknown penis in me one more time I am literally going to press charges to the makers of tequila.
I've discovered that regular handcuff keys, sadly, do not work on real police handcuffs.
He got a slutty, ugly mother of a 7 year old, and I got a dog that only sleeps and shits on clean clothes. No one won in this break up.
Okay I know I said I was going to quit drinking for a while but apparently pumpkin pie flavored vodka is a thing and I will not rest until I have some.
I'm just gonna go with where the wind takes me. if it takes me to his dick, so be it.
I am thankful for thumbs.
Because without thumbs, we would be dolphins.
Land dolphins.
I don't know if the fact that I carry lube in my purse means I'm living life right or I'm doing it wrong..
logically I know i should probably study somewhere outside my dorm room, but if I do that then I cant drink and smoke half as much while i study
He was cute in a Sketchy-trying-to-sell-you-a-vaccum-at-9-at-night kinda way.
Nothing says hangover like being in the doctors office getting a tampon removed from deep inside
They should invent shampoo and conditioner for sex hair. I would buy all the travel size ones.
Randomize
