They're giving me a hotel, and this chick doesn't have a place to stay for the night... I swear this is how real life Porno starts.
Miss Michigan hasn't even been Miss USA for 24hrs and already stripper pole pics are surfacing. Classy.
what is it with giant penises always finding me
theres a turtle on the table. helping me eat my ramon noodles.
We ran out of wine so we are trying the absinthe you brought over from Spain like 3 years ago. Please call me at noon tomorrow. If we die, its your fault
Um. That's my cat Laura. You put my cat in your mouth, and then you put my cat in your purse.
Also, just had a student offer to sell me Xanax. Want some? Just for like a rainy day. Or our memorial day shitshow. Or just another Wednesday night.
I blacked in at 6:30am on the last stop on the train with a random fedora on? And I'm pretty sure I rode in a limo last night while eating pizza
Just think Febushuary. A whole month of 70's esque bush! This is the dream
I'm so happy I'm only on my second drink. That would have been the best idea ever if I was on my fifth.
I told him you're making deviled eggs for the party. Sisters make deviled eggs to get their sisters laid. It's science.
My goal is to have my roommate find me sprawled out in the middle of my floor naked and passed out. Maybe with some Alfredo chicken hanging out of my mouth. I don't know, we'll see where this goes.
We fucked like animals on that lion king beanbag chair that your mom got you for your 10th bday
Got caught up in a real life love triangle. Both guys wanted me. I'm tempted to just run off with the cute girl from McDonalds instead
Please do that
I can appreciate that you picked up the hot drummer, but don’t have sex in front of my house lmao
Randomize
