I'm a gentlemen, chivalry is what i do, i'll open the door, pull out your chair, buy your drinks, i'll even go down first, but when it comes to mario kart, i draw the line. I'm sorry but i just can't let you beat me at mario kart
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
idk what id do withouhrh yoy btro
I love that my brother has just convinced my dad that smoking a blunt it an "unspoken family tradition"
I had to break up with him he didn't understand my priorities. I'm sorry but Saturday nights are for pot and Doctor Who. I'm not going to change who I am.
He came over hammered at four in the morning with roses trying to get me back when my new fling opened the door he just stood there crying for 40mins even after we closed the door
Can I send you a picture of my penis? I feel like it looks really good right now and I need someone to share it with
It's definitively the wine. Every time I can drink and work I feel like I win at the game of life.
Taco trucks are like ice cream trucks for drunk adults. They should have a mariachi tune they play super loud to bring people out of the bars for tacos.
I forgot that places existed where drinking on Sunday is frowned upon. It's just so unreasonable.
I think my ball sweat smells like waffle house. might be time to change up drunken eating habits
Pretty sure this ice cream truck is following me.
Was reaching for my vibrator this morning out of my nightstand and strained my neck muscle. I'm getting so old.
I woke up with my shoes on but pants in the fish tank
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
Randomize
