please tell me if i'm home and in my bed
negative
come find me please
im getting a BJ in a closet
and a penguin just handed me a bong
We're too lazy to do dishes, so we're making sangria in a flower vase.
Coming home soaking wet at three am and trying to convince the front desk man that we came from the library might have worked if I wasn't also roaring at everything.
he's got a countert top full of yard sale blenders so id say maragita wednesdays is a go.
why oh why did i suck thise tits. nothing but trouble fuuuuuu
You know the party was great when the birthday girl gets arrested
whatever. i don't care. i just want to be drunk wrapped in an american flag.
Fire alarms went off at reception of gay wedding im at. We all had to evacuate until FD got here. Then...ill just text the photos.
WHY IS FOOD SO DELICIOUS
BECAUSE SCIENCE
Just got cockblocked by my GF's wedding shower... That's a first. And I have to buy a gift.
Woke up backwards on a recliner
After the day I've had, I can't decide if donuts or fireball would be the appropriate priority.
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
Like at first he was barely doing anything. So I was like harder and then holy shit he's like going all HULK SMASH on my vagina. I mean it felt fucking awesome. BUT STILL
Randomize
