mark tries to be a total badass to make up for the fact that he's a poor man's pete wentz
Just got judged by the front desk clerk, 2 maids and a security guard at the Sheraton. I've decided to use this as a character building experience.
My phone saved "first signs of pregnancy" as a most visited search.
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
I'm ordering a large vanilla ice cream with rainbow sprinkles so when I vom tonight it will look like lisa frank dolphins in acid trip colors
you texted me "dude im face"
it sounded so right at the time
It's pretty fantastic. I just wanna know how your bra ended up in the aquarium the other night.
Unfortunately hes not a hipster douchebag with no life goals, so naturally I'm not interested.
Yah... You need to get here. Evan just peed off the karaoke stage.
She's going to hate me
Yeah well one of her many personalities always hates you.
The rest will just start to agree
It started with a wedding, followed by a drag show, and ended with Trevor getting punched in the face by the bouncer. How was your weekend?
This is my life. Enjoy the view
I CALLED IT A FRIENDSHIP. NOT A I WANT YOUR MAN PARTS IN MY LADY PARTS-SHIP.
Mandatory face masks - finally, a solution for lip augmentation failures and bad breath.
BRB. These cougars are squabbling over my junk and one of them is offering to pay my tuition
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