I'd fuck her but she fucked Dusty. And I'm pretty sure he's humped livestock
if i had a dollar for every time ive had to piece a night together like they did in "the hangover", i bet i could outsell their weekend box office earnings...
remember when you found twisted pleasure condoms in my parents bathroom? theyre gone.
I've known you for the past two years. You never kid about biology or alcohol.
Whatever you didn't send me pics of you topless making bacon
Remember, ur body isn't a visitors center
We just taught the Brazilian how to smoke out of a vuvuzela.
That rando I gave head to on the beach just endorsed me on LinkedIn for Oral Communication Skills. So there's that.
Stop saying "make it happen". I'm not gonna say "hey, you should get naked with your sister and roll around together while I penetrate you both"
Yes. Do not say that. That will not make it happen.
Still. Make it happen
We're gonna start a pole dancing competition or a bar fight. Stand by for results.
Ate his Chinese food and drank his beer and played with his chihuahua. All while wrapped in a towel while he was sleep.
You'd think it'd be fun living next door to a guy whose neck you once licked. Surprise, it's not.
Does fucking him in the back of the car with the sun roof retracted count as star gazing?
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
He deliberately gets me high because he knows I fuck better and then I make food for two. I don't know if I should feel mad or proud of him for thinking that far.
Randomize