My roommate just got home. Made an entire package of bacon. Ate it. And then went to bed.
he said i ruined lesbian porn for him
Any night you end up on the couch next to the trash can with a bag of white wine on your head is a rough night.
found a half eaten roll befind my toilet today. my birthday just keeps popping up.
the potatoes in the margarita machine wasn't the breaking point. its when he turned on the stove and put a bunch of bottle rockets on it that i knew the night had prematurely failed
we've coined the Sunday morning ritual of taking out our puke-filled trash cans as The Trash Of Shame
Then you jumped in the pool because your were convinced the scratches on your neck from the cat were gills and you could breathe underwater.
they have a video of him in his boxers making a snow angel in the hallway is his own vomit and coca cola.
A dry HJ only, please. I don't deserve the comforts of lube after my horrendous fantasy football performance
THE PRUIS IN YOUR DRIVEWAY IS NOT YOURS
excuse me?
I accidentally borrowed your spare keys a while ago...i just tried them...that, my friend, is not your car.
Trust me.. Might look gay.. Might feel gay... But I could snap your neck with my inside thighs bro
There is a video of you making out with him, flipping off the camera, and holding the plastic flamigo that you had just stolen out of a yard
Remind me to talk to you about nipple clamps.
Thank you for coming with me today. I find it appropriate that we celebrated my negative pregnancy test with slurpees and donuts.
I don't want them thinking I'm like, "Mm, yeah, kitchenware in my ass please."
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