i'm crying at olive garden. i've hit rock bottom
i wish that every time i slipped on a sheet of ice i had the ability to recover with a michael jackson move
You were waisted for 48 hours and the only 3 words you said were yup, sure, and michigan
She looked like a pterodactyl.....but dude i love dinosaurs
fyi, she knows we call her the sperm bank. watch your back.
I gave up my innocence when I let him cum in my spelling bee trophy
all I know is I'm really rwfly really really stoned and a bunch of Korean people are yelling at me
I want to be done crawling through windows but the sex is too good to stop...but I'm running out of excuses for where the bruises on my legs are coming from.
She's drinking vodka out of a windex bottle. She is spraying it in her mouth and at strangers.
Fell asleep naked on the recliner spooning with my organic chemistry book. The fact that I made it through four years of college is proof that the education system is fucked.
I couldn't find a lighter, so I smoked a bowl with a birthday candle.
Do not, I repeat, DO NOT uncuff him no matter how much he begs. He knows what he did.
the woman that waxes my lady parts just hugged me...
were you wearing pants?
no.
Just called to hear your voice and talk about pizza.
This is the Front Desk Lady from the Saturolite Inn. Your friend is passed out in the lobby. Please come help her.
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