I took off my bra and money fell out...how crazy was I tonight?
Did you REALLY have to twitter about our sex last night?
my mom walked in on me smoking weed alone, listening to the eagles, and just staring at the river. she totally knew.
They both told everyone they fell in a mud puddle
Oh they definetly fell in the mud, repeatedly, on top of each other
I consider myself an expert at getting drunk and embarrassing people at weddings.
Even the bar was yelling boobs, so of course the shirt came off
Only once have I found myself in the condom aisle holding a bundt cake...
I flashed some kids doing a church car wash. I feel like I really improved the quality of their lives.
You know this who 'I show my love by being a total dick' thing is getting old, right?
Life Lesson #1 of 2013: double-fisting shower beers and shaving my bikini line should be reserved for two different showers.
Remember when you walked in on me sleeping INSIDE a pillowcase?
It's almost sad. It's like the Harambe of vagina stories really.
i dont think sending her flowers will make her forgive you running over her foot.
So unofficially, he told me he deleted tinder because of me. I think that's a pretty romantic gesture in 2018.
I've literally slept one hour I'm honestly just surprised you can insult me this early
Randomize
