areee we human. . .oorrr areee we dancerssssss?!
you srsly need to quit going to that bar
Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
Weddings at vineyards should never be allowed to happen. I'm pretty sure I drank every bottle they produced in 2008.
I seriously might throw up right now. In class. Sunglasses on. I'm getting too old for this.
Peeing in public by noon, this is not a good indicator for the day.
reaaaally cool. my cat ate my birth control.
The spark has left our relationship. i used to make slightly inflammatory jokes at you. you would retaliate in jest. look at this. look at what is happening here.
So guess who got away with telling their girlfriend she's insane multiple times in a Valentine's day card. Yup, this guy.
I'm going to get old and fat one day... probably pretty soon and I'm not going to have any pictures to show to my cats of what I once looked like.
In local news "Man Stabbed With Golf Club" next person who tells me this is a safe place to live gets punched...
at least its a cool name to shout when he's balls deep in you later
Living alone for four weeks has given me unrealistic expectations of pantslessness.
Dude, who WASN'T thinking of motorboating her?
I skipped the handshake and went right for a dickshake I had him minutes after I saw him.
I mean, who hasn’t been fingered in there back of an Uber?
Randomize
