Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
watching espn. realized that the exact place those sportcenter guys are is where I got laid on the beach last superbowl. my sex spot is broadcasted nationwide
He told me he wouldn't do any drunk sluts but me. I guess that's sort of a compliment...?
she wrote "need hug!" on a sticky note, put it on her back, and passed out on his bed. they're trying to figure out how she got into his room...
I know you're trying to keep the moaning to a minimum but the banging on the wall is totally giving you away
You act like pregaming preseason hockey is a crime. Come on man, get fucked up and watch pucks. It rhymes so well it has to go together. DOS EQUIS Y DEVILS!
The cabbie told us to at least pretend we weren't doing coke while he was driving
They installed a lotion dispenser in the bathroom at work... its like they want me to masturbate on the clock...
I'm imaging you naked, covered in butter. And I gotta say, I'm not impressed.
Is it possibile to sprain your taint?
She was that bad?
Like he and the nurses kept being so persistent with it and I just wanted to run out of there in my backless gown and yell FUCK OFF BITCHES IM OUT
He called me at 4 a.m. and wanted me to drive him to McDonald's then drop him off at home. It wasn't even a booty call, it was a fucking chauffeur call.
Seriously, you just banged the guy that wishes his dog happy birthday on fb. That's fucking adorable!
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
I hate her so much I want to fuck her boyfriend.
Randomize
