Don't be mad at me. I know peeing in your drawer is 1 thing and peeing on you while you're sleeping is another, but im sorry..i love you
sunday morning discovery: something purple, smelly, and sticky my hair. any suggestions?
my family just sang happy birthday to baby jesus. no ones even drunk yet
don't leave me alone with all the disney princess sluts
you came in and threw goldfish on our blue carpet and screamed SWIM BITCHES and then made me drink a best friends potion with you
No, i know about the eggs and penis, the oh wow was for the fire
I got lit on fire and andy went to jail last night. Totally unrelated incidents though.
Your job is getting in the way of our day drinking. Shots on the hour are not as cool alone.
If you call getting home safe by sprinting down Spanish Harlem barefoot still rolling then ya I made it
I think i'm going to homewreck at this Disney on Ice show.
Saved a second guy who was crying/on the verge of wigging out. Just call me the drug whisperer.
he had shaved armpits. I repeat: HE SHAVED. HIS. ARMPITS! First hookup of 2014 and it's with a weirdo. Alcohol:1 Me:0
I think I sold my soul to a dominatrix last night.
I thought I'd never say this, but if I had to choose between these cookies and sex, it would be these cookies
You can't hold me to anything I said last night; I was drunk on orgasms.
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