Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
omg so im topless lying on my bed and i forgot my nail clippers are on my bed and i just leaned forward and the nail clipper closed. on my nipple. ouch
So we were in the middle of hooking up when he stopped me. I thought he was having a moral dilemma about the whole having a girlfriend thing. But no. He got down on all fours, butt naked, and started throwing up and farting simultaneously. I took it as my cue to leave.
Some dude at the gas station right now is buying a 30 rack of beast and a can of cat food. Happy Thanksgiving.
its really sad that i have to specifically make this a rule but, absolutely no lighting smoke bombs indoors at my birthday party.
Are we going out tonight?
My conscience says no but my vag says yes
Putting a breathalyzer in a bar is a horrible idea. But I won
Secondly, that waffle is lost for good. I have no fucking idea where that bitch is
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
So I've been in more fights on one leg than I've had on two.
Just licked cheese from my hot pocket off my phone. I spilled because I was eating a Popsicle at the same time. Send an adult please
Just when I thought I was growing up, I go out and TOTALLY REDEEM MYSELF
I had a sex dream about Fox Mulder, and the Royals just won the World Series. My life is complete.
Him showing up yesterday was like a giant ego stroke for my vagina.
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