There are traffic cones in the living room. One of them is yours.
In case you were wondering, you weren't dreaming. I really did get stuck between my bed and the wall last night.
i feel like when youre not in my profile picture no one knows who i am.
My last memory involves me naked in a mens's bathroom stall. I really hope my date was with me.
At beerfest, hammered, going to try to not get naked in public but i cant make any promises
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
My booty call just put me down for a reference for her job at the hospital. What am I supposed to say? She gives great bj's?
I'm cuddling with a baby pig and drinking champagne right now.
Oh shit. My drunken car sex is on Google Earth.
Great news! In less than 2 hours, I'm ripping your underwear off with my teeth!
Hungover in church. I can feel stained glass Jesus judging me.
Thats just a parental red flag. They have been brainwashed. Lets baptize them into the church of PBR
when we woke up this morning she was missing two teeth. the front two.
That female nurse who took a selfie with my man parts well I was out of it just got fired and arrested... You know all she had to do was ask lol
What's the point of having a gay best friend if he doesn't play with your titties?
Randomize
