I hope you're ready because I look like an elf on crack had a baby in the medieval era and that baby grew up to be a whore
the red, white, and blue power rangers were all also in the porn buisness, good bye childhood
We're listening to the crystal method and doing bong hits for jesus
How are you texting me from 1998?
i'm sober ask me anything about the civil war
At this point I just want to meet a man with a job.
Change of plans I'm coming home and shotgunning all the beer we have.
Woke up this morning with my period. Saw a commercial for the beginning of Shark Week. I see what you did there, Mother Nature. My pad's off to you.
I feel like he's mythological. Like you just had lunch with the Loch Ness Monster of hotness
I asked what you thought of her and you replied not the biggest I have had
I just think his face would be more attractiveif it was framed by my thighs
I have lots of feelings today, but drunk is my favorite.
AND I woke up to eggs in my bra. Thanks Taco Cabana...
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
So I was at my annual OBGYN appointment and when she saw the bruises on the inside of my thigh she asked if I had been horse back riding...I think my burst of laughter then awkward silence answered the question for me.
My nipples are YOUNG and they need TWISTING
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