I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
There is no way when we get home that nothing will hapen
She just messaged me 19 sad faces.
What is wrong with this kid? He'll take ecstasy but won't take dayquil?
Same here... Well I was planning on having some sort of deep conversation, but looking at how grim of an outlook tomorrow has on you, I'll just re-inform you that I have your pants.
She keeps sending, "show me your elephant trunk."
We thought she was passed out on the toilet, but she raised her head to tell me the word I couldn't remember was "empathize." Then she puked blood and passed out.
Who knew that one of those cheesy light up equalizer shirts would be the light that all those drunk college girls gathered like moths around?
I'm dealing with this like an adult, cupcakes and beer.
i dont remember how or why, but i now have 3 coupons for a free BJ from Anise stapled to my right arm.
When he swipes my v card it will be comparable to my bat mitzvah. should I make sweatshirts or sweatpants?
I am the Angelina Jolie to his Billy Bob Thorton. We just don't work.
He took a girl home at like eight, fucked her, kicked her out, came back to the bar, and repeated the process again at 10:30 and 2:30. THREE GIRLS IN ONE NIGHT. ALL PICKUPS. I HATE HIM.
Get here now. I need a drinking buddy. I don't care if you're in a different timezone, it'll be five o clock here faster.
Randomize
