I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
this party is like a fast-foward into the future when im 40 and married with children
FB needs to have a relationship status called...screwing my roommates bf..linking their names would be an easier to tell her!
two fat guys on crotch rockets just invited me to 'party' with them at a del taco. why does this keep happening to me?
he turned down sex AND sandwiches. who the hell does that?!
I've liked him since I puked on him on my birthday so I want it to be special.
Hey man. We haven't met but my name is Ben. I threw up a bunch at your house last night. I heard you smoke though so I'll smoke you out anytime.
She sat next to me on the couch and said "word going around is you got a sweet cock". My nickname problem was solved!
A BJ like that needs to be recommended.
We tried to hook you up with a girl but you said you'd rather fuck the large muscular black man because "At least he'd be tight". He was the bouncer, he heard you.
This has to be the weirdest conversation I've ever had sober and in the middle of the day before.
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
I'm having a funeral for my vibrator. Please be there. I need your dick for support.
2016 is coming through for me, I'm renaming it the year of great dick
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