I haven't been able to trust a girl since spanks came out
he changed my name in his contacts to "rick", so his mom wouldn't know he was texting me
And as far as being fat goes I just did like 20 minutes of p90x and now i'm eating frosting out of the container....
Just talked to Kate. She said I called her on Friday night. She said I was crying for 5 minutes because we were parked in front of a fire hydrant.
Remember that night I drank a bunch of vodka, pounded your Jameson because 'you were a pussy', punched you in the face and ran off as fast as my high heels could go? It was just my Russian and Irish sides fighting for genetic dominance
She's dressed as a slutty goth schoolgirl. Those are my three favorite things. God himself could not give me whiskey dick.
... and smoked a joint with my new landlord. I'm starting to like Germany.
True friendship: When you can hold your best friend's hair and still eat your Stromboli at the same time.
I woke up on some strangers couch covered in salad mix and oatmeal cream pies. The struggle is absolutely real.
STOP FUCKING TELLING PEOPLE ABOUT THAT TIME THAT GUY CAME ON MY FACE WHILE I WAS ASLEEP!!!
I'm eating a block of cheese like its a sandwich in the tsa line
the only decorations on the Christmas tree were twinkle lights, condoms, and empty natty cans. I do love a classy holiday party
The neighbors ahemed the WHOLE time. Their kids are the ones that scream loud enough for me to remember my birth control. It's payback!
I feel like he doesn't realize we're offering him a threeway with sisters and I don't understand how that's possible.
Maybe we should bring mom next time.
I guess I’m only into threesomes at Halloween, because I just woke up next to “Marilyn Monroe” and “Joe DiMaggio” in their condo
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