just as he was about to cum he started shouting "I THINK I CAN! I THINK I CAN!" over and over again.
He saw my tits then looked up and yelled thank you jesus as loud as he could
Walk-of-shaming home from Brooklyn in a Jesus costume that has "what wouldn't Jesus do" written on the robe.
I'm gonna sleep with her just to prove to my roomate that shes a slut and he's wasting his time
I just feel like a little gay dolphin in a massive sea
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
This is home. And home is where you find your family. And you try not to make out with your family.
She went to her drug test stoned.
And strangely enough, we all know she'll pass it.
I'm so glad I was blacked out while I was going all exorcist in the bathroom. That's so not a memory I want.
Is it okay to send him a "thanks for the sexual awakening" note?
I don't care what the Chinese zodiac calendar says . . . 2015 is the year of the cock!
BOOM BITCH SERVES YOU RIGHT I HOPE YOU SHIT YOURSELF PETER PAN
For the record you're an amazing lay and you have great taste in breakfast sandwiches
On a scale of 1 to shit show you were "i just pissed myself"
Ugh hungover at a laundromat is a terrible feeling. For some reason I keep getting sucked into staring at the clothes spinning around and around and it makes me want to profusely projectile vomit everywhere
Randomize
