And now I'm afraid that I'm a pornographic eater.
So there is this guy preaching the word of God outside our club. I went up to him and said, "God made this body, and he made it for premarital sex." Sup, Hell?
I cant believe Lindsay Lohan feels like this every day
I just saw her shopping list. The only things on it are blackberries, hot fudge and condoms. I almost don't wanna know. Almost.
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when i get back.
mallory made a planned parenthood decision maker flow chart again.
We didn't talk. I watched you drop an egg on the floor. And watched you praise your haunted broom.
Ok more importantly someone in a chicken costume just stepped in front of my car and started breakdancing...
Remember when we saw my neighbor taking dick pics of himself? He's back at it!
The trash can in my living room is full of Popsicle sticks and my vibrator has taken up permanent residence on my coffee table. I'm not doing anything productive. Clearly.
I am a figure skater. You should know better than to let me get drunk near any patches of ice during Olympics season.
I forgot about snapchatting a pic of us, but I remember flossing with your hair.
Angels sing when his face is between my thighs. I came 3 times before he even came up for air.
He was a half hour late. His excuse was that his brother knifed him right before he was going to leave. I didn't believe him until I saw the gauze.
She was gone when I unblacked out, but she had nailed her panties to the wall and wrote “Colleen’s Dick”with a sharpie on the wall. No idea where she got a hammer and nail
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