Why did that cocktail waitress get to sleep with Tiger for 2 years, and all I ever got for living in Whorelando for five years is a couple of pictures with Joey Fatone
med student doing my blood work at the AIDS clinic just hit on me after I told him i was having unprotected sex, but didn't think i had HIV.
i prefer some hard alcohol, but wine makes me feel less of a progressive alcoholic
When you started Hi-fiving people I knew u were fucking gone. You slapped some dude on the shoulder when he wouldn't hi-five you and he asked if he even knew you
am i gonna have visuals on this?
you are gonna see the trees puking up fireworks and ninja pheonixes will shit rainbows and fire
Waiting to interview and found a beer in my purse from last night
PS: when I ask you if I look fat in a a dress DO NOT TAKE YOUR SWEET ASS GAY TIME to formulate an answer only to tell me in front of our family that perhaps I should buy Spanx. Do you WANT me to tell mom and dad you suck cock? Then be a good brother and have the common decency to LIEEEEEE!!!!
I'm about to take my 7th shot and I have to to go to dinner with my grandma in an half hour. What is my life.
Sext me about skeletons
I'm having shoppers remorse over a dildo
Omg no hes gotta go down on me. Then itll be like my vagina has kissed the stanley cup.
Ok here's the plan: birth control, KFC, handcuffs.
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
I drank Dr. Pepper and instant breakfast mix together and threw up sober for the first time.
Woke up at 5am in an elevator... Pretty much tells you how my weekend went.
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