I just got stood up by an 18 yr old. fmylife.
I just saw the host of Singled Out do standup. Holy shit 1995.
she's throwing a head of lettuce everywhere shouting HEADS UP and trying to get us to play catch with her. i'm scared.
She just came to my house, with puke in her hair, to wake up my dad and scream "happy fathers day you DILF!" at the top of her lungs
There is a good chance that the other night after a wedding reception i was at that i mailed you a drink coaster.
We ate our feelings. Then drank our feelings. I feel feminism delivered.
Braid them armpits, sister.
The rest of the concert I just stared at the lights and didn't really listen to the music cuz I was trying to make sure my brain still worked cuz my face was numb and I couldn't move... Yeah I'm not a weed brownie person
Hooker in the library. I repeat, we have a hooker in the library. This is not a drill.
apparently i tried to facetime the drunk bus last night, that's probably why we had to walk back to campus
Drunk ass.
Some dude with an OSU jersey just kissed him in the face in front of everyone. I should mention he's wearing a Panda costume. And has already been offered $20 for his suit by Plushies for oral sex.
I'm supposed to nail the old lady at 1:30 so I'll see you at 1:35ish.
Trust me, dating 38 and 20 year old dudes at the same time is the best. Money plus all of the sex. Finally figured out this relationship thing.
id like to think im the only pot dealing prostitute that is also an ordained minister. but maybe not. what a time to be alive
He can't say no, it's my spiritual goddamn quest.
You better have a raging boner when I get to your house and it better be worth missing work in the morning.
Randomize
