I'm still with the girl from last night. remember to call me conrad and that i work for PETA
Mango Malibu should win a nobel peace prize
your mascara is on the toilet seat from when you fell asleep last night
on a related note, did you know that the fire alarm in our apartment talks?
I found my phone outside under the leaves by the curb. What the fuck did I do last night
You told them that the brownies were safe, and then pointed to a passed out Ryan and said "see?"
I don't drink so I see St. Patty's as an LSD type of day. Its like a more hardcore 420
I ate all his french fries. He was no longer useful to me.
Just to circumvent as much mood-killing as possible, you are allowed a small amount of laughter at my pubic hair. Too much and I revoke your vagina privileges until you can get your shit together.
How do you forget making out with a coworker in the dressing room at Sears on more than one occasion?
...object impermanence?
Holy shit, we're married as fuck.
I just learned in class that female whales slap their fins against the water and then ten males come and fight for her yet we can't get guys to text us back
On a scale of one to Harambe, how attached were you to your goldfish?
I honestly just wanna put my face in her tits and disappear from this plane of existence
Does going to a local bar count as taking part in Small Business Saturday? Asking for a friend
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