I thought I was riding a bike, but I guess it was a vacuum cleaner
Me liking this guy is the best diet ever. Do I want this cookie...or do I want to get laid.
Is it just me or do I always seem to have cum in my bellybutton?
i wish sherlock holmes were still around today... he'd be able to find my g-spot.
please come get me his dick is out. i'm sitting on his couch and his dick is out. come now
hooking up with my manager sounds like an even better idea while i'm sober.
Im sitting alone watching titanic. Drunk. Without pants. Holding a fishing pole. Im pretty sure im okay with all of this.
Only I could run tino my father in law while looking at condoms at Rite Aid. At 730 on a Thursday morning. I'm in trouble.
I woke up this morning in the house, I didn't realize it was physically possible to duct tape a person to the wall...
You were sitting on the filthy kitchen floor eating a packet of grated cheese, and you were crying because you couldn't find any cheese.. I'd say our party was a success.
I can't wet the bed. That was the old me. I'm grown
Oh my god
dude i'm so hungover my hair hurts
I heard from the downstairs bathroom "WHY CAN'T I WIPE MY ASS IN PEACE!" and a pisscrate of glass bottles breaking
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
Is it wrong that I have to schedule a family Sunday brunch around my mom's weekly banging of my stepdad. And why do I even know this??
Randomize
