Down at Ground Zero right now. So many people here. It's the most patriotic game of grabass Ive ever seen.
some guy i've known for a week sent me nudes saying "you're welcome" i need an award for this birthday
He has horses apparently. I wonder if we could fuck while riding a horse or if that's too dangerous.
It was the best present I've gotten since I was 5 and I got a fucking easy bake oven. I'm not pregnant for realsies. Celebratory party at the house tonight. Invite all the nice dicks you know.
Well. I have your keys. You have my car. Looks like we have a drunkxican standoff.
I may, or may not have licked his face in an Applebee's.
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
Is it acceptable to have my intern get me pedialite and plan b?
It's a learning experience. She can add to her resume that she cured her bosses hangover and poor decisions
Just chugged a Bloody Mary in 60 seconds flat. New personal best! Happy Sunday!
Just scratched my head and I basically rained glitter.
when in doubt, mount your coworker in the staff room.
Ok well my life just seems more exciting by default because I'm dating my married boss and sexting with my ex
It smells like grilled cheese and sexual frustration
I have a whole new respect for her. She chugged half a bottle of jack daniels, and then peed all over his wall. Serves him right.
you said, "I wonder what your mum is doing right now." in the middle of sex, of course I threw up on you.
Randomize
