When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
what, no i told him that it wasnt nessesary to put all 5 fingers in my vagina
My professor just gave everyone in the class extra credit... except for the kid wearing the Cubs hat
At what point during this road trip should I let them know I've been drinking in the backseat the whole time and can't take my turn driving?
Ok everyone, the frat server is slow because of the 11 TB of porn on there. Either clean out your partition by Sunday or it will be erased. Thanks for your help.
I just blew my weed a kiss
Haha, I gave you the rest of the cash I had on me and you bought 3 shots for yourself and beer for everybody except me FUCKFACE.
Last time Jon threw a party I woke up on my porch, no shirt but 4 bras on, and "make better life choices" written on my stomach in sharpie
Have you ever just woke up in the morning and felt pregnant
HOLY SHIT. I JUST FOUND OUT THAT THE KARL/RORY BASEBALL FIGHT THAT RORY LOST WAS 2 YEARS AGO TODAY. RIP KARL'S DICK.
Woke up eating a pickle on the bathroom floor this morning in some random guys sweat pants.
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
bitch dont make me pour hotsauce in your vagina
How do you nicely stand up a date that you're skipping for a 3sum
I have a completly random but serious question. Can I make a paper mache mold of you ass and turn it into a pinata filled with airplane bottles of liquor? Its for my art class
Randomize
