I'd rather drink alone in my closet than hang out with that girl
i hope when i become a housewife i'm more of a gretchen and less of a vicky
He was wearing his Class of 2007 shirt so I sat there for 5 minutes and read all the names of the guys I can remember giving head to.
mom just asked if we are going to need more kaluha as she pulls 5 out of the cupboard. this xmas might kill me
judging by the mobile uploads you added of me last night, we cant keep living this way.
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
New high score, I made the stripper choke me while I was getting a lap dance last night
Oh my god I forgot there were Band-Aids on my nipples
Here you are just trying to masturbate and I'm talking to you like your an initiate for some secret society.
I'll be the Broncos and you be the Seahawks and you can pound the shit out of me.
Some rando guy literally just put my shoes on and tied them for me because I'm drunk... Is this what it feels like to be a princess?
I make him buy me all the extremely expensive high end Mac cosmetics I desire. Wear it then let him cum on my face. I am fucking glamorous.
Have you ever hotboxed under your comforter? Best. Decision. Ever.
I officially have worse injuries from a baby shower than roller derby.
You ruined the universe
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