Abreva sucks. I applied it as directed and now it looks like I fed the herpes. They're throwing a party on my bottom lip.
she's googling pictures of Freddy Mercury and whispering 'I'm ready'
How do i politely tell him his dick looks like it went thru a meat grinder?
Also, I saved your name as Everclear last night. No idea why I did that.
Like an undercooked grilled cheese that got cold again. But hairy.
And there goes my desire for sandwiches. Forever.
My bad man. I was at a strip club, and apparently it's like a big deal to take your phone out in one of those places.
I think I'm getting sponsored by the Mexican Drug Cartel for the start of my poker career. It was an interesting night at the bar. One word, Vegas.
too bad I'd hit a car before I'd hit a bush.
Are we talking about jumping from windows or your willingness to fuck a car instead of a woman?
You were drunkenly dancing with a statue you affectionately referred to as "The Captain." I wasn't going to deny your happiness.
Teach me the ways of your demonic sorcery.
The dicks good but it's not two trains and a bus good.
My uncle showed up to pick us up at the bar just as I bought a drink so I put it in my pocket #drunksmart
This may sound strange but do you have my pants?
You tried to trade them for some girls skirt... So she has them...
Fuuuuuck dude, he’s got #Excel in his Facebook bio; I’m screaming
My toothbrush tastes like captain morgan
I'm jealous
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