Breakfast is bomb, yo. McDonald's before ten thirty is like Katie Holmes before Tom Cruise.
chasing shots of tequilla with sun chips. its doable but not recommended
I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
threw up in my backpack again. Asian guy I cheat from wasn't pleased.
I'm tangled in a fishing net down at the harbor. This has nothing to do with Captain Morgan. Bring wirecutters.
Bro, there is a rent-a-cop selling syringes out of the trunk of his car. This is why I hate the DMV.
Its only 9:11 and I just somersaulted through a window. Its gonna be a good night
I just gagged from thinking about the amount of tequila we will be drinking. DRUNK TUESDAYS
I just ate cottage cheese and went to the gym at 6 this morning...the things i'll do because I might get naked in front of a new boy
Why do I feel like I need to drink to feel better about the things I do when I'm drunk
If everything else in my life fails, at least I just had one of my top orgasms
My hangover didn't kick in until like 4pm so I found myself puking in the middle of Times Square. During rush hour. In a three piece suit. A spongebob came by and patted me on the back.
When Dad gets to your house, ask him about the sound of anal beads. Happy Thanksgiving!
But we made up last night and had unbelievably crazy sex tonight. I legit went blind for like 15mins from him choking me. It was awesome
I accidentally put Bacardi in my coffee this morning. I ain't even mad.
Randomize
