i take joy in having bigger boobs than others
found a cell phone. in the freezer. wrapped in bologna. explain?
She had me dip my balls in cake batter ice cream from cold stone and then tea bag her. Let's get weird just got a whole new meaning.
I just woke up entirely naked on top of a pile of some guy's laundry on his bedroom floor.
The cop actually kicked the bitches out of the cab so we could get ours. I flipped them all off as the door was shutting. That drunk.
Dude, if I don't end up wearing a banana suit in Milwaukee, I will consider that trip a complete failure.
the reason i can drink whatever i want and you have a limit is because whiskey will never make my pussy not work
I feel like my vagina was punched by chuck Norris, a Brazilian chuck Norris.
You licked my eyeball, you are officially cut off. If you just missed you can have a second chance on Friday.
Like you can't just be like oh bb and THEN SEND ME A FUCKING PICTURE OF MY 8TH GRADE FAT SELF IN A TACO COSTUME
Drunk me really needs to stop 1. telling every attractive dude in a relationship that monogamy isn't real 2. Proposing threesomes with them and their girlfriends
Fuck you i've put so many pretzels in her shirt
No we didn't fuck. He picked me up I asked where we were going and he said "I don't know if you've ever heard of a little place called Denny's?" He was completely serious. I told him to stop the car and I got out and called Jack.
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
They stopped fighting to partake in M&Ms and porn.
Randomize
