you can't spend the night you always smell like dirty underwear and my roommates complain
You should never have let annie watch you have sex with other women
If the first sentence isn't something about weed or the nature of choclate I'm skipping class.
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
She bellyflopped onto the poolside bar, broke one wine bottle, and stole another...the resort staff just frowned and cleaned up her mess.
That's fuckin bs. I had the bouncers beat by 30 yards til that dumbshit on the moped stopped in front of me.
stop bragging. last time i got laid i got double pink eye, and it was so not worth it
threw up in the kitchen showroom. home depot employee of the month.
So he says "my girlfriends coming over so you have to leave but I love you"
He's living a porn movie. He's slept with a waitress at her work for lunch, a bar tender at the bar that night, and the cleaning lady the next morning.
Can we talk about how i am holding a tupperware container of my own puke in the back of my grandparents car while my sister drives
I have vodka and explosives. For once, we can blow something up that isn't a blow-up doll.
At least life still wants to fuck me.
If sending nudes to tinder boy is considered functional then yes.
She was going down on me before I had a chance to tell her I arrested her brother 3 hours earlier
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