Yeah well I just ate cereal out of a muffin pan with a fork. I'll flip a coin as to who has to tackle that pile of dishes we've neglected for 3 weeks.
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
If I had a penis, I would stick it EVERYWHERE. I don't know what these guys are doing.
This is a mass text. Surprise drug testing at work today. Either I've finally got to fuck my boss or I've got to quit to make this all go away. Please respond with option a or b.
just used my sex toy cleaning solution to clean my reading glasses. midterms are cramping my styleeee
What are you wearing tonight?
The colors of the winddddddd
if you fuck our toilet off the wall again, i'm going to be so mad.
I'm still drunk. I put on workout clothes this morning and just puked in my bathroom. That's the same as going to the gym, right?
It's not ok to announce to a group of people playing beer pong that a girl put her finger in your butt last night. I now know this
It took years to build this empire of casual fuckings and not carings.
EX BOYFRIEND'S TWINS WERE BORN TODAY. THIS CALLS FOR A MARG.
I woke up with a hangover and a man bun. Reached over to drink water and accidentally chugged raspberry vodka. So there's that.
He just showed up in boxer briefs and loafers with only his phone and condoms
Dude it's 6 am and you just invited me to a hotel with a shit ton of coke. Best morning ever
why is half of my head shaved?
Randomize
