the girl next to me in class is drawing a guy banging a chick doggy style...its very detailed
Just watched a porn with the dvd commentary on i think i need to re-evaluate my life
i just did my hair and make up to walk our dogs.. I hate being the single roommate
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
She tased me when I walked in the door. Thought I was trying to steel her weed.
I locked the porch door but I left a spare key on top of the keg on the side of the house
Were at her birthday dinner and her dad keeps buying me shots saying when I was your age I fucked the shit outta girls
Hahahahahaha remind him your dating his daughter
Her vagina smelt so bad I lied and told her that I was married just so that she would leave.
You're always so generous when it comes to your dick.
I think if I send him enough nudes, he will buy my plane ticket.
He blacked out and wouldnt drink anything unless he funneled it, so I made him funnel water
you know you're drunk when you start breaking down your body composition into organic molecules
listen i get youre a daddy dom but that doesnt give you a pass to make dad jokes
I should probably eat a Plan B. Pill for breakfast. Happy Halloween.
Got so drunk I broke my sink in half. Not. Lying.
Randomize
