So... My dad just saw the Plan B package and the beer cans in my backseat.
Oh its cool I'm sure he already knows you're a whore and an alcoholic.
so i woke up.. still drunk and discovered my roommate in the living room passed out dick-in-hand watching porn..
What did u do?
turned the porn up and opened the windows so everybody goin to class could see him..
I really hope I'm not the first person who's had to wash vomit off of cash and credit cards.
we just saw you getting yelled at by the cops for trying to 'hijack' a street sweeper...how have you not been arrested yet?
Let's have a moment of silence for the guinea pig that drunk chick threw out our window.
I dont know how to say this. But the hottest girl where im at has one arm.
I'm pretty sure last night was the first time I've seen someone drink beer-soaked paper towels. Ever.
I could of sworn you were praying in the strip club.
My cab driver has a hooker in the front seat. Really, this is serious. And weird.
He's upstairs shouting 'FUCK OFF I'M IN MY MOTHERFUCKING ZEN ZONE' out of the window.
Apparently getting dressed is an all-day activity.
I just audibly asked myself if i wanted to masturbate.
And then audibly agreed
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
im too broke to be in a relationship this close to the holidays
So help me God.... if he sends me a dick pic.... I will make it so he has to eat food through a tube in his nose and poop into a bag by his belly button
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