Note to Self: No matter how horny, turned on or in the moment you are, never go down on your gf after she had soccer practice.
if you made me into a cookie and threw me into a betty crocker easy bake oven on christmas morning...that's how baked i am
TIT CHECK! TIT CHECK! ALERT! ALERT!!!!
We are so drunk I just let him piss between my legs on the toilet. That's love.
I just past a guy who was biking and double fisting wit glass beer bottles. That is what i call talent
picked up a girl by parallel parking. i love this town already.
Your the only friend that would realize I'm gonna get drunk and send coke to me at a bar before I made drunken phone calls for it. You sir complete me.....
He thinks that since we have been dating six months, that he can do the helicopter with his penis. Not okay.
Watched a women out our tannin salon literally fight police because she was getting arrested for trying to drunkenly fight the tanning salon owner...we need to step up our day drinking this is shameful.
Hey, can you come over and kill me real quick
no, that was the night I slathered your dick in the icing from my birthday cake
I gave you head at the stadium on a Thursday night ESPN game. That damn well better be worth points on the score board!!!
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
If you can endure a laser on the butthole, you can endure a wax on the butthole. Those are words to live by.
School supplies are right next to the margarita mix at target. Its a sign
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