If you don't sleep with him after showing him your thong with the bow, I am no longer on your side.
i just used google streetview to figure out where i spent the night last night
Your roommate was biting my friend last night. It was weird.
just took my birth control pill with a shamrock shake. happy st. patrick's day
im really going to miss that car, so many blow jobs...
I was in a house full of lesbians and they were all staring at me. I felt like the last cresent roll on Thanksgiving.
It's a gateway drink.... Starts with wine... Then I wake up in my car with mascara on my arms covered in french fries...
I am too young to be this hungover
Is this your way of saying you want a sober 19th?
As I am reading this. I'm standing in my underwear eating taquitos. I'm saying this in the most loving way possible: FUCK OFF.
The bride and groom wore the Batman masks I brought. Best wedding ever.
When my mom found out he was a high school drop out she was like "seriously? Can we raise the bar a little higher next time kels?" So my moms pretty cool
AMERICA LOVES YOU. RIDE THAT DICK LIKE PAUL REVERE RODE HIS HORSE SO MANY YEARS AGO
My lease is up and I've been thinking, it's only fair that the guys I've fucked in this apartment in the past year help me move. They enjoyed the bed, now help me move it.
I sent him a tex saying, "I thought my intentions were clear" drunk me has some balls.
I got kicked out of the E.R. for saying "balls".
Randomize
