About to do something stupid. You'll be my call. Bring bail money.
So he passed out in the bathroom of the bar, woke up thinking he was somewhere else and called her flipping his shit because he thought she left him. She had to go into the men's bathroom to find him, and then he told her she was "trying too hard to be his girlfriend" over and over again.
Dont they live together now? Havent they been together for like two years?
Yeah. That's the best part. I always thought he was kind of a pussy but turns out he's a degenerate just like us. Welcome
so it turns out, not only do the doormen judge the girls I bring home, but they rate them.
Is it wierd that you're going to be my best man and you've fucked my wife?
You're the only person i know who can laugh and talk while puking
So you used a whole package of smoked meat last night. Didn't eat it, just took it out and put it all over the fridge.
In a car. Threw up in my mouth. Haven't said a word in 10 minutes.
She gave me a foot massage while her friend rode me. Your gf puked into the oscolating fan. How were our nites alike?
We were in the hot tub...he ate the pizza pocket directly out of my mouth
If you make 120 dollars and I walk instd of drive and don't eat or smoke this week we can pay rent
I ate shit on a rock, and when I got up this car full of people asked me if I was okay, and I just sprinted away screaming "I am a banana!"
Interesting occurrence: the application I use to keep track of my periods and sexual encounters just notified me it had been over 4 months since you were logged as an active partner and ask if I'd like to remove you from my options. Wow, kmsl.
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
I wouldn't know what to do. You never really mentally prepare for a cactus getting thrown at your face.
the guy working the counter at the liquor store noticed i got my haircut and said it was pretty.....
Randomize
