Theyre still fighting about whether its called america or the united states.
i just went through and liked all 1,239 of her pictures instead of writing my english paper. don't tell her, i want her to be surprised
New plan, instead of sleeping with her, I'm just going to use her to sleep with the entire sorority.
I woke up with someone else's vomit on my ass. That's how I'm doing today.
I just remembered how awesome your handjobs were in 7th grade, you were a true champ, thank you
I'm driving up the street and can't tell if my ears are actually about to pop or not.
A solid 8.5 on the baked meter, I need to stop.
I am so proud of him. After eating the rest of our shrooms, he finally registered to vote
I think my Halloween costume this year will be made entirely of pillows and I'll be Marshmellow girl or Kirby. That way I'm comfortable, warm, and if I fall over drunk I'm safe.
I'm glad that even though we are states apart our whorish hearts beat as one
That works. I won't care. I'll be a mermaid. Mermaids don't give a fuck.
Especially drunk mermaids.
I let a blind guy feel me up. All he kept saying was "oh fuck yeah!"
Nothing shouts "I'm single" like a thousand needlepoint pillows.
I just fist bumped God in my head for last night. What a bro.
He told me that he's proud of our abnormalcy as a couple. I think it's the most romantic thing he's ever said.
Thirty seconds is a long time in jizz time...
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