he came and i only had my diet coke to rinse.. can you say coke float?
some how when im high sleep beats hunger...its like how paper beats rock it doesnt make any fucking sense but it still happens
I wish i had a shirt that said, "I know what you're thinking and it's not herpes on my face"
How do you get mayonnaise out of... well jesus it's everywhere, let's start with carpets
I miss the smell of you or some shit.
and after i failed the breathalyzer i said to the cop "i've never been very good at tests"....
He just kept yelling cup my balls to everyone they kicked us out after 20 min
Just found the last picture of me as a virgin. Framed it.
as he was fingering me, all I was thinking about was how lucky his girlfriend is...
Moral of the story: always keep condoms in your bra
How is it possible that I'm still a virgin and you've managed to have sex in a cheetah print onesie TWICE
Today is National Blunt Day in the Great State of Me. Come ovah
AHHHHHHHHH. I LEFT A GLASS NEXT TO ME WHEN I FELL ASLEEP I'M SO SURE IT WAS WATER BUT NOW IT'S VODKA JESUS MADE A STOP
I'm the only person I know who could have actual sex and then dream about my vibrator.
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
Randomize
