genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
I basing my decision on whether or not to date someone on whether I could imagine having sex with them sober
Just tried on my bathing suit for the first time this year. Had to drink a beer to numb the pain.
Dude, I couldn't come. She sounded like a goddamn dying walrus.
omg i met someone at the bar who sells hair feathers. that are long. saved in my phone as "haiirs deather"
Here is a brilliant idea passed on from men who have that same regret. WEAR A FUCKING CONDOM ALWAYS.
I'm just over here all sober hanging with two high people talking about how they're "free-spirited stallions."
I had to help him get his zipper down in front of his dad so he could pee in the bushes. That Is what moonshine does to you.
Hey sorry for being annoying last night, I just realized how many times I yelled "JORDAN!" during and after playing pong.
I took a sleeping pill while he was in the bathroom. Time for a game of how long can we bang before I fall asleep.
You are both horrible and amazing
I appear to have wine on my toes. I am really not clear as to how this happened. I'm gonna have a little lie down.
ORGASMS AND PIZZA
PIZZA AND ORGASMS
I just found a ladybug shell in my underwear. What was I doing last night?
Me and my dad hot boxed a hotel bathroom... That's what I call father son bonding
You know its awkward when your mom walks in on you and your boyfriend yelling surprise....I was scared into an orgasm
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