he just said he was sorry he wasnt been able to come by more often coz things are really crazy with that girl
you mean his girlfriend
Just saw an old lady trip and stumble. Laughed. Kept Driving. I'm going to hell.
Fuck Spring. The birds chirping at 4am make me feel unnatural for still being up and drunk.
i'm watching the draft and making cookies. how am i still single?
Ok, but If I make this happen, my first born son gets to fuck your first born daughter
How do I tactfully ask if the neighbors downstairs can hear me beating it?
After grabbing my boob for a couple minutes he then decides to ask me if I was awake.
He's socially awkward. He has a big dick. We've had this talk before, they're socially awkward because they don't leave the house they just sit home and play with it.
Queso dip and pictures of Daniel's penis. It's like the last days of Rome over here.
I'm sober. Being kissed by a chick with a llama puppet. Shoot me now.
I just remembered that you tried to trade me for a glass of wine
Stop sending me pictures of you naked. This violates the friend zone agreement.
Hey, before I head out, whats your policy on casual drug use and one night stands?
He tried to throw up into a beer bottle. It was a complete disaster. Vomit went everywhere. It put the Bellagio's fountain to shame.
I am so horny. It's like all the stress of finals week has relocated to my vagina.
Randomize
