how lazy do you have to be to be a fat vegetarian?
bouncer thought i was tryin to get the license plate numbers of strippers to stalk them. I had to go show him where I threw up to get back in.
just found a shoebox labled "emergency smoking box"... it has a lightbulb, 2 potatoes, a dried up flower, and a button that says "stop drop and roll". what did we do last night?!
You kept trying to hail an ambulance
Through drunken recall, I have managed to bring back awful memories of losing my virginity. And possibly traumatized my niece trying to get her to "learn from my mistakes".
how do you feel about lunch break shots ?
i told her i loved her afterwards and she said "i know," kissed me, and got up to start making breakfast.
dude, she han solo'd you. keep her.
If I remember correctly I tried to steal a mail truck last night
Some dude just said my hair smells like his pillows
Kick open the door, strike a pose, steal a boyfriend, end scene.
Godammit I caught my hair on fire taking a bong rip
This conversation went from me banging other women's husbands to learning about baked goods. If that isn't personal growth I don't know what is.
After we won that round of beer pong you attempted to swallow the winning ball whole claiming you had the mouth and jaw of a snake.
A snake? I must've been gone...
After that you got naked and hissed at people the rest of the night..
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
So my best friends wedding ended with everyone seeing me getting eaten out behind the forbes church. Classy!
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