TXT her NOW! The phone is actually IN her Va-Jay-Jay!!
apparently i'm not the first person wake up and realize she's ugly cuz i tore this house apart and there is no sign of my clothes
Do you have a shampoo for semen
Or a time machine
It's a law of Nature, girls naturally hate eachother. It's only when there's no competition for a mate that they can hate each other a little less and then are appropriated into the "BFF" slot.
Apparently 'she used to sleep with my brother' is not an acceptable answer to how do you know each other.
there is nothing like a happy birthday present when you wake up with a bow on your vagina.
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawnmower thinking of you
I cannot be with a girl who won't let me come home on my lunch break, eat spicy ranch and watch Breaking Bad without pants on. #lesbianproblems
Let's hurry up so I can puke at home instead of my van
Stole my 7th stop sign and 3rd speed limit sign last night. Not even sure how because they were bolted to a cement wall. Tequila gives you strength you didn't know you had.
his mom fetish really needs to stop. this is literally the 5th time i've come home from work and there's been some random skank and her kids in the living room.
did one of the kids use their poo like a crayon on the wall this time?
All the doctor said was why
Let me just get through this whole court subpoena thing and then ill go back to buying alcohol for minors.
How do I say “I have great tits” without it sounding awful
I just saw a guy faceplant off a unicycle while holding a saxophone, while his buddy riding another unicycle and sporting a flute rode by laughing
Only at UConn...
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