Flying to Orlando on the 7th is cheaper than the 8th by like three margaritas.
everyone knows that carl winslow was the sexiest man in die hard.
Don't bite the hand that gives you multiple orgasms
she read insantiy as in-nast-tit-ty and asked what the hell does that mean...
woman puking in liquor store parking lot at 9:30 on a tuesday morning = best commute ever.
No, "because my penis told me to" is not an acceptable answer to that question
Shitty. Well if it makes you feel any better I just had a toothless wasted crackhead in my bar who was mad because there are TOO MANY FUCKIN TREES in Nantucket.
I woke up and found piles of popcorn in a trail around my house, ending at a laundry basket full of pillows. What were we trying to catch last night?
I want morning sex. We can incorporate maple syrup into it somehow, it'll be fun
How do I cancel buying spotify premium for two homeless people?
Watching the blind side bc I need a good cry to make sure I'm still human after this weekend's questionable life choices
Thank you for helping a fellow gay friend today. You are sublime and deserve free tickets to the Ellen show
Always keep a stash of tequila in your work desk. That is like adulting 101.
Oh and people at work think i got knocked up so my gay roomie is claiming it as his lol
Then you screamed in her face to shut up about thick thighs saving lives because actually they can suffocate people during oral sex
Drunk me is very safety conscious And apparently just as annoyed by her as sober me
Randomize
