Ugh, here's a dating tip. Hairy legs are a major turn off
you know you were way too high when you wake up next to a handwritten list of all the things you'd do for a Klondike bar
he just quoted gucci mane to try and get me to give him head.
i wish semen tasted like chocolate
Well they kicked us out after we started heckling the acrobats
She wont be able to take it all. I'll use a shoe horn to get it in if I have to.
Is there really anything more beautiful than opening a fresh box of wine on a Friday afternoon?
Just paid off my possession ticket on 4/20. Helloooo awesome.
If he tries to stick his thumb up my butt again im going to rip his dick off with my vagina
I told you those kegels would come in handy one day
Dude, you flipped off a cat from my balcony and yelled at it to get a house
I really just want to eat 20 mcnuggets and slap everyone with the box when I'm done.
Never ever make a tattoo bet. I now have a shamrock on my dick.
We were fucking in the boat on the lake when another boat saw us and honked their appreciation.
Why do I have a separate credit card just for booze? Because I saved enough points so Saturday we are flying to Denver to smoke legal weed and fly back in the same day.
I'm sitting on the couch playing the sims, how's ur night going?
I'm sitting on my floor, drinking wine, and listening to bette midlers "wind beneath my wings"
Why are our lives so predictable?
Randomize
