I feel like I am becoming dumber sitting here in class than I would be sitting on the couch smoking weed.
I'm going to rise like a phoenix out of the drunken, shameful ashes that were last weekend.
I feel so grown up. I just went to home depot to buy actual home improvement supplies instead of stuff to make a bong with.
im not 100% but im pretty sure at some point i was rubbing ur bf's beard telling him how magnificient i thought it was
The swelling on my elbow and tongue means I may have cockblocked myself.
Just found a pic on my phone of you on squatting on the hood of a police car about to take a dump. Care to explain what happened last night?
You know what, I don't care that I got too drunk and didn't make it into the boat party. If I had, I probably wouldn't have peed on you later while we soundly slept. I feel you need that in a best friendship.
No The bastards made me buy a new one, They don't cover water damage an apparently they consider salsa water damage
The paramedics came back to shotgun beers with us.
I also love beards. The playoffs are like christmas for my vagina.
The instructions say refer to specific course material, but I'm in no mood to reopen this awful book that caused me so many lost hours of drinking.
Yeah FUCK THAT NOISE
How do I cancel buying spotify premium for two homeless people?
He'll only communicate through snapchat with pictures of him holding his cat or his dick. Bit of Russian roulette opening them in public but I did it anyway.
In case you were wondering how drunk I was last night, there was an unopened slim Jim in front of my door and I ate it.
So... I sharted on the plane. It was hard to maintain my composure and acted offended at the same time. I hate you for not cutting me off last night.
Randomize
