There is a reason Crest White Strips don't list masturbation as one of the myriad of activities to do while whitening your teeth. A very good reason.
Tell your boobs to stop staring at me.
fine. I googled it. you have to eat 5 to die so apparently I'm in the clear.
i fucked a milf yesterday.
i'm not impressed, in this generation that could technically mean a 16 year old.
Same here... Well I was planning on having some sort of deep conversation, but looking at how grim of an outlook tomorrow has on you, I'll just re-inform you that I have your pants.
i'm sure the inside of her vag looks like Normandy circa 1944
and yes i had to double check that date for that joke to be accurate
He just broke up w his most recent gf again, wish I could message her and be like it's not you he's gay.
I might have been fine if i had magic teleportation powers and could have skipped the car ride between bar and home
Bring your friend that fell asleep in the bathroom for my friend.
He blacked out at the first bar and passed out at the second...we just carried him to bar three and four and sat him in the lounge chairs, he said we're amazing
his face was nice enough, but his choice of footwear screamed columbian drug lord
The cop let me finish my J before he cuffed me. Coolest arresting officer ever.
So to recap Superbowl Sunday - I won $100, bumped into the anti-christ and his cult, met a guy in a kilt and a wican, then got invited to a gayguy afterhours party.
Gonna be tough to beat that next year!
Like, I can't stand that bitch, but i genuinely hope she gets the help she needs
Last night was a bad idea. I'm hungover and the contents of my purse smell like Korean BBQ.
Randomize
