I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
RAWRRRR IMA PURPLE DINO
dude i'm sitting right next to you.. stop texting me
You threw a hot dog at his face...I wouldn't call you either.
I'm making a contract of things you're not allowed to put in my ass
He snuck out of bed at 9 am and came back with pizza and a bottle of wine. I think I'm in love!
Want to get together for a boner voyage before you leave?
is it bad that my walk of shame involves the church shuttle?
My goal is to not catch on fire... But if i have to dance im going to dance regardless of the danger
Yup. Dog walker, house sitter and mistress to the rich, bored and bi-curious. I've got a nice little operation running.
So last night I turned down multiple drinks because "I didn't want to hold them". It's time reevaluate my decisions
I'm about to have a bowl of Advils... without any fucking milk.
in retrospect i think my mom tried to raise me gay
We were looking everywhere for you and I finally found you in the closet talking to a build a bear.. So I gave you and myself another drink
Perfect. I'll put on my party clothes and write emergency numbers on my arm
I don't know how I got home but I'm pretty sure the guy in my closet had something to do with it
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